The Bathroom Attendant

Is there anything more disheartening than walking into the bar bathroom only to be greeted by the last person you want to see -- the bathroom attendant? Worst of all is when you stroll into an empty bathroom and you are greeted by a nod and then pure silence. At this moment you try anything you can to avoid the awkwardness (as said bathroom attendant sits there and watches you pee). "How you doing?" you ask. "Not too bad," answers Mr. Attendant followed by more silence. Damnit! Can't I be done peeing yet!? What else can I ask this guy? "Busy night?" "Nah, it's pretty quiet tonight," he responds. It's at this moment you remember that in order to wash your hands it is going to cost you a dollar. At least he might have a stale piece of gum or a cigarette for your worries. You go to wash your hands as Mr. Bathroom Attendant rolls off a couple of pieces of paper towel. You dry your hands, throw a buck or 2 in his basket, then do WHATEVER you can the rest of the night to avoid having to pee again. Your friends ask you why you have stopped drinking and you try to explain why you are doing whatever you can to de-hydrate yourself and avoid a repeat trip to the bathroom.

I can not stand when a bar has a bathroom attendent. I have a friend who will remain nameless who mentioned that he just doesn't wash his hands when there is an attendent. I have another friend who will also remain nameless who tells me the key is to pretend that the bathroom attendant does not exist. Do your business, wash your hands, then ignore his paper towels and get your own. I'm not going to not wash my hands and I'm too nice to just flat out ignore the guy, so I'm completely lost to what I can do.

Now I do feel badly that the bathroom attendant is performing this duty to get a paycheck and feed his family - so most of my angst is not against him. I am much more upset at the bar who has hired someone to fill this position. You are the one who has put me in this awkward situation where I actually feel guilty about going to the bathroom and then washing my hands. Why are you doing this to me!? I am patronizing your bar -- well -- I was tonight, but you can forget about me ever coming back to this place. It's almost like when a homeless person starts washing your car windshield without you asking and you have to pay them just to go away -- in fact, it's EXACTLY like that. I think for now on when I go to a bar I am going to ask for a $1 tip when I pass them an empty glass. It's only fair. I'll even throw in a piece of stale gum.