Standing on Escalators

"An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, just an Escalator Temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Why are people so incredibly lazy that they lose all ability to walk up 'stairs' when on an escalator. I understand if someone is handicapped, elderly, injured, or obese -- but for the common folk, what gives? And fine -- you are extremely out of shape and haven't been to a gym in 10 years -- or you are carrying a 15 lb. briefcase -- or you are just so tired/hungover that any movement is painful-- You STILL should be able to at least walk DOWN an escalator.

Also, is there an unwritten rule that I don't know about that says if you are taking an escalator with a friend/co-worker you are not allowed to move and you must take up the entire width of the stairs? Apparently there is -- well at least if I am behind you and I am trying to get by. Maybe if as Americans we are so concerned with rampant obesity we should adopt a "Turn off the Escalator Day" or even better an entire Month. Force people to walk up stairs!

Basic escalator etiquette is the same as rules of the road -- slow drivers to the right and pass on the left. If you so choose that you are unable to walk up a moving stairway, that is your own personal choice - stop acting so shocked that you are a few lbs overweight. But please move to the right so those of us who can handle the 15 second uphill walk are able to do so. If someone in front of you is standing on the right and you also decide to stand, DO NOT stand on the left so no one is able to pass you. If you are talking with a friend it is OKAY to walk while you talk OR both of you can legally stand on the right. And don't give me a miffed look if you are standing in the way and accidentally get bumped as I try to twist by you.

Screw it - I'll just take the stairs.

Airport delays

OK. So. I know that everyone on earth - has dealt with - or - may be currently dealing with? - airport delays. It's annoying. Oh, wait. It's EXTREMELY annoying. Flight delays definitely rank up there with some of the most annoying things that I can think of. 

Case in point: Friday, 3pm. 

Have flight from New York to Chicago. The weather in New York? 72 and sunny. SUN. Lots of it.  I'm looking out the window, so I know. And Chicago? 70 and sunny. I check my flight around 1pm, just to make sure that when I hop into my taxi (with $40 dollars in hand ready to graciously hand over to the cabby - i love giving away money - don't you!!?) that I am not jumping the gun and getting to the airport too soon. Seriously. I want to arrive there with ample time to check in, fix my makeup, peruse the magazine stand, stock up on candy, hit the bar, and make it to the gate before takeoff. That's what I want. 

Website says that flight 690 is on-time. Fabulous! Continue to check flight status on the ride there. Still on time! Who's lucky... THIS GIRL!

I arrive at the airport, check in, then proceed to security. I still have about 35 minutes to make my flight, so we're good. Get in line. Take out laptop. Take off shoes. Take off belt. Take off coat. Earrings? Nah - I'll leave them on and hope for the best.

"I'm sorry miss - you have to remove your necklace as well." Necklace: off.

"Your watch." Watch: off.

"Is your cell phone in your jeans?" Cell phone: out of jeans.

"Where's your ticket, ma'am?" Ticket is in my coat. DAMN IT. Seriously? The stress is overwhelming. Find coat.

"Ok - please walk through now." GOOD - because, I'm almost out of things to wear. And, I'm going to miss my flight.

Arrive at gate. Sit down. Breathe. Thank G-d that I remembered to grab all of my belongings from the security belt. Think about how many minutes it is going to take for me to get from Laguardia to Chicago, based on previous flights. 2 hours, 25 minutes. Need to make my dinner reservation tonight. Look at watch. Exactly 28 minutes until flight is supposed to leave. What?? Aren't we supposed to board 30 minutes in advance? Their watches must be off. Sit. Breathe. Wait. Someone has an announcement.

"Passengers on flight 690, flying to Chicago O'Hare. Your flight is now delayed due to air traffic control. We will update you momentarily regarding your estimated departure." 

OH LORD. Why is this happening! I got here on time!! The weather is perfect!! I made it through security in under 20 minutes!! I already told my mother I was leaving!! (she's EXTREMELY  anxious and tracks the entire flight online - she even knows when we receive our complimentary beverages and when the jetway is secure so that we can exit the aircraft). Fifteen minutes later...

"Passengers on flight 690, flying to Chicago's O'Hare airport. Your expected departure time is now 4:30pm." Great. It's a good thing that the weather is perfect in New York. And, Chicago. And, I am here on time. I sit. I read. I wait. I cry. Wait - I don't cry. I want to cry.

Is it just me? Am I bad luck? I feel as though I experience airport delays much more often than the average jet-setter. And yet, the only 2 cities I seem to travel to/from are New York and Chicago. 

Finally, FINALLY, our "aircraft" has arrived. "Passengers on flight 690.." "YES?! We're STILL HERE waiting... although, by the looks on some of these people's faces, we're about ready to jump ship and WALK to Chicago..." "Passengers, your aircraft has arrived in New York. Once we have cleaned the aircraft and refueled, we will begin the boarding process."

We board the plane, 2 hours late. The man in front of me has decided that, although we are not supposed to put our seats back before take-off, he is going to recline all the way into my lap. This is fun. The person to my right smells. Bad. Yet, I find solace in the fact that I am going to be taking off soon and will be landing in Chicago in about 2 hours.

"Ladies and gentlemen - this is your captain speaking. The weather in New York is 72 degrees, with winds out of the west. We are hoping for a smooth ride all the way to Chicago. Your flight attendants are, Susan, Gregory and Wanda. Please fasten your seatbelts. We will be taxi-ing out to the runway momentarily. And please turn off all electronic devices until we have reached 35 thousand feet." Yay!! We're leaving!!

"We are now on the runway. Unfortunately, air traffic control has put us on a holding pattern, due to the weather in Chicago. Please sit tight - we'll be getting an update in about 35 minutes."

The weather in Chicago? 70 and sunny. 

The Last 2 Minutes of a NBA Game

With the NBA finals finally wrapping up, I wanted to address something before it was long forgotten until next season. The last 2 minutes of a basketball game. When has the last 2 minutes of a basketball game actually taken 2 minutes?! Or better yet -- when did the last 2 minutes of a basketball take under 5 minutes? or 10 minutes? or 20 minutes?? or an hour?? Okay, you get the point.

For something like basketball which gives us a lot of non-stop back/forth action, it's disappointing that the end of close games have to be so painstakingly slow. Most of the time this is the scenario with under 2 minutes left: Team A makes a basket. Team B takes a quick shot and misses, then fouls Team A. Then we have a time-out. Then we have 2 free throws. Then we have ANOTHER time-out. Then we have another foul. Then we have another time-out... This is all in a time period of about 10 seconds of actual game time. Worst of all, the TV networks always cut away to commercials -- so each stoppage in play is at least 2 minutes long with the EXACT same commercials playing over and over... I'm incredibly sick of 'This is OUUUURRRRR country' (that means you John Mellencamp) and learning about 'The Most Interesting Man in the World." The VERY worst is the recent stretch on ESPN where we are constantly reminded by Heineken to let a stranger drive you home --- yooooouuuuuu! Gottttt what i neeeeeedddd! When you say you're just a friend!!" I enjoy Biz Markie singing that song -- not a bunch of bad actors pretending to be drunk in the back of a fake cab.

I love playing basketball and most of the time I love watching basketball, but making it through the last couple minutes of a close game is like pulling teeth. I remember growing up my Mom would be yelling at me to do something and my response would be, "as soon as the game is done!". "How much time is left", she'd ask and I'd let her know that there was 2 minutes left. 30 minutes later she'd come back into the room and see me still laying on the couch -- "What are you doing?! You said you'd clean your room after the game was over, it's been 30 minutes!" I'd simply point at the TV so she could see there was still 30 seconds left in the game.

I wish there was something the league could do in order to speed up the last couple of minutes as this problem has really caused me to become less of a fan. I've tried to DVR the game and start watching it later so I can fast-foward through commercials and free throw attempts, but it just doesn't cut it. I guess sitting through commercials for an extra 30 minutes on my couch isn't as annoying as paying $100+ for a crappy upper-deck seat to a NBA game, but that's a whole different topic...

Losing Your Wallet

A few weeks ago upon arriving home after my weekly Tuesday night softball game, I had a sudden jolt of fear when I realized I did not have my wallet. After completely scouring my car for several minutes I then decided to make the trek back to the field to see if I could get lucky. Unfortunately, a Cubs game had just ended, so a normal 10 minute voyage took almost 30 and it was not to be a lucky night.. my wallet was nowhere to be found. I held out slim hope that someone might turn it in, but deep down I already knew it was gone forever. Anyone who has ever lost their wallet knows what a pain it is to get everything replaced. As noted earlier in this blog, several annoying automated service phone calls were definitely in my future.

One thing I had going for me is I keep the anti-Costanza wallet. In other words, I kept it to the bare essentials as far as contents. Even with the bare minimum, though, I now had to replace a company credit card, personal credit card, debit card, insurance card, CTA card, and driver's license. Who knew that the EASIEST card to replace would be my insurance card? I thought for sure that would be the largest headache, but I had a new insurance card on the way after a quick 45 second phone call. As far as everything else -- no such luck.

I had the joy of being told my debit card would take 10-14 days to arrive, but I had the option to "expedite" the process for a mere $40. It would then only take up to 7 days!! Wow!!! That was a really tough decision. Oh yeah, I was also told my pin would arrive another 5 days after the card arrived, so it basically was going to be worthless anyways.

After a good 4 hours on the phone and the usual painful trip to the DMV, I was finally confident that all replacement cards were on the way. The insurance card arrived in a couple of days, the credit cards and debit card in about a week (even without the expedited add-on!), but the ONLY card that was being ordered locally in the city of Chicago - my CTA transportation card -- was nowhere to be found. How the heck does it take 3 weeks to send a replacement card? Anyone who uses the CTA on a regular basis obviously knows the answer. My guess is that they were "waiting for signals ahead."

My life is now back in working order with the return of everything in my wallet. It's definitely in the top 3 for things you never want to lose along with cell phone and keys. It is sad it has taken me several lost phones to perform the "wallet, phone, keys" self-check everytime I leave home and enter/leave a cab. Losing your wallet is one of the most dis-heartening, annoying things a person can go through. As Mitch Hedburg put it "it's hard to dance when you've lost your wallet."

Brett Favre

As a Packer fan I got used to the same old song and dance every off season over the last handful of years.. is this really the year Brett Favre is gonna hang em up? In fact, Favre played so long for the Packers that the only other QB I really even remember watching is Don 'the majik man' Majkowski. Every offseason would come, Favre acted like he was going to retire, but then he'd always decide to play another year. So when Favre finally tearfully said his farewell to football a year ago, I was pretty heartbroken. Oh well, it was time to move on, right?

HA!

Just when I was getting used to thinking the only time I'd now see the 'ol gun-slinger' play football was during Wrangler Jeans commercials, he decides he really DIDN'T retire and he was set to make a comeback. Excitement ensued across Wisconsin, especially for the fact that we we'd still get to see his hot college daughter in the press box every week! However, to make a long story short, after much deliberation Favre decided that he wasn't being shown enough love and the Packers were forced to trade him to the NY Jets.

A year and a 2nd retirement later, Favre is now looking to play for the Packers #1 hated rival, the Minnesota Vikings (we hate you too Bears fans, but in more of a "fun" way than a "hated" way if that makes sense). Yes-- the Vikings are a QB away from being a legit contender and Yes-- Favre has friends on the coaching staff and Yes-- you can say he'd be a good fit -- but the real reason he wants to come back is to stick it to the Packers. I don't think Favre realizes that he is going to need about 30 security guards with him at all time as some crazed Packer fan will surely try to assassinate him. In fact, a recent study found that the number of babies and pets named "Brett" increased by 2500% in Wisconsin between the years 1990 and 2005!

Now, the latest "story" (since there seems to be a brand-new one EVERY day.. doesn't the sports world have ANYTHING else to write about??) is that Favre's family members reserved 30+ rooms in the Green Bay area for the weekend of the Packers/Vikings game. The story also states that these rooms were reserved 2 months ago-- wait a second... 2 months ago when Favre was STILL a member of the NY Jets (although he would soon "retire" again)?? hmmm....

I loved watching Favre as a Packer and enjoyed his stellar acting chops in There's Something about Mary, but I've had enough. I always thought of Favre as someone who played for the love of the game, did things the 'right' way, and was all in all a 'good guy'-- until his true self really came out over the last couple of years. Although part of me hopes ends up playing for the Vikings and ruins whatever legacy he has remaining, I really wish he would just go away. Brett, you are beyond annoying.

Credit Card minimums

Since my move to New York City in 2005, I believe that I've encountered the oh-so-lovely "credit card minimum" at least once a month, if not more, when out on the town. The level of frustration that ensues is always directly correlated with the type of drinking establishment I am visiting. A $50 minimum at the "W" hotel or Flatiron lounge leads to very little annoyance, as all I have to do is order approximately 2 martinis, add tip, and I am all set.

The credit card minimum really bothers me most at the neighborhood pub, where drinks are $4 from 5-7 pm and you are forced to pony up at least $25-$30 in order to use your card. Possible outcomes are below.

1. "Damn it. Minimum is $25. Everyone just put your drinks on my tab and give me cash." 2 hours later: Not only your friends, but friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends have used your visa. You are now stuck with a $75 tab that no one seems to think they participated in. "Who took the 5 shots of Jager? Anyone? Is the entire BAR just putting their drinks under my name??" !

2. "Let's see. If the minimum is $25, then I am going to have to drink 6 glasses of Shiraz in order to make this worth it. Must finish said drinks within 2 hours before we head to dinner." 2 hours later: You are passed out on your couch, missed dinner, and forgot your credit card at the bar.

3. "Can I have my check please?" Bartender: "Yes - but your total is $12 and the minimum is $30." "OK - um...I'll have another vodka soda then." Bartender: "OK - total is now $16." "OK - throw on 2 shots for my friends over there." Bartender: "OK. Shots are $2 - there's a shot and beer special. You still have ten dollars left." OH MAN. THIS IS ABSURD. Maybe I should just take my card and run. No, don't do that. "OK, can I possibly just owe you for next time? Are you SURE you charged me for BOTH of my drinks? Can you charge me MORE? How much is that nasty old shirt up there hanging on the wall? Would that bring me to $30?"

4. "I don't feel like bothering with this. Here is your $15 tip for serving me 2 drinks. And, yeah - next time, please let me know what the minimum is during happy hour. I'll remember to leave my card at home and just bring my coin collection."

People who don't write out full words

Pls, Pls tell me Y if someone is IMing, Emailing, or Txting, Y they R not able 2 type out a FULL word. What is even worse, is that now PPL use this terminology in every day conversation... JK!! (actually I'm not).

LOL, LMAO, ROFL.... WTF?!! Is there now a F-ing abbreviation or acronym for every human emotion?? Obvi!!

OMG, as if we aren't already lazy enough we now resort to this?

I shouldn't have to resort to a GOOGLE search just to figure out what you are typing to me.

"Get me that TPS report ASAP. Thx!"

"N/P. btw, TGIF!"

I think I will shoot myself if I ever catch myself in that conversation.

How long will it be until you receive foreign language college credit for learning all of this lingo??


Please try to tell me how this method of communicating is not incredibly annoying?

PS,

TY for reading this post. TTYL8r, time for some ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Rain Out

Ughhh. I am sitting at home writing this entry rather then playing in my weekly Tuesday night softball game thanks to the most annoying thing in the world (at least if you asked me that question right now) the Rain Out. That's 2 weeks in a row and 4 out of 7... when did I move to Seattle?? The Rain Out is annoying enough when it is pouring all day, but it has to be at least 100 times more annoying when you're given false hopes that the weather is going to cooperate-- only to have the tides change at the very last moment. For example last week the forecast called for steady rain all day, but leading up to our 8pm gametime it had yet to even drizzle. Just as I get in my car one single drop of rain splashed across my windshield, dashing my heart with fear. No more than 5 minutes later a monsoon settled over Chicago and the inevitable Rain Out took place shortly thereafter.

Beyond my beer league softball that no one cares about, rain outs are really annoying for everyone. BBQs, beach days, golf, picnics, baseball games -- everyone has felt the remorse of prepping for a day of fun, only for it to be ruined by rain. Even if it doesn't rain, the mere CHANCE of rain is quite annoying. Constant checking of the radar, glances every 5 minutes at the clouds, and the awful anxious feeling of rushing to get something in before the rain ends it. All annoying.

If only we were living in a Truman Show world where we could make it sunny with a flip of a switch... in that case I would be playing softball right now. At least my television can't be rained out (oh crap... I have a satellite which doesn't work when it's raining. UGHHHHH).

Customer Service: Automated machine has replaced an actual human

Oh. My. Sweet. Lord. I have reached my breaking point with automated customer service - when did this happen? And WHY? Remember the good old days.. if you were having a problem with your internet, or your television wasn't operating properly, or you needed to change your airline ticket, you would simply ring the company and speak with a representative? A human? An actual person who doesn't demand that you respond with an answer that is already pre-populated? A, B, C or D? Yes or No?

Today, I woke up to find that my internet was no longer functioning. I gave the company a call, only to find that speaking with a live representative was no longer an option. The alternative? Talking to an automated woman who promised me that she would "walk me through the process of fixing my modem in no time!" Great! Let's get started. We begin by going over how many lights I have blinking on my modem. Automated woman: "How many lights do you see?" Me: "Four." Woman: "Five?" Me: "NO, FOUR." Woman: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. Can you please repeat your answer?" Me: "FOUR LIGHTS ARE BLINKING." Woman: " I still did not get that. Would you like to call back and try again?" Me: "NO - I ALREADY WAITED 12 AND A HALF MINUTES TO GET THROUGH TO YOUR PITIFUL ANSWERING SERVICE! FOUR LIGHTS. F-O-U-R." Woman: "OK - I think you said, you see four lights. Is that correct?" Me: "Yes!" We continue on in this same fashion, me repeating my answers over and over and OVER until the automated woman (who I must say, has a rather promiscuous-sounding voice for someone who is representing Time Warner Cable's internet help-desk) decides that she will now try to find my modem on the server. Woman: "Please hold while I try to locate your modem." Five minutes later. "Please continue to hold. I apologize for the wait." Oh, really? You do? Do you feel bad about the fact that I'm wasting my daytime minutes sitting here on speakerphone while you, a machine, searches for my modem? You can't possibly feel THAT bad, now, c'mon. Ten minutes later..."I am sorry. I do not see your modem on our server. I am going to have to transfer you to someone who will be able to help you with your technical complication." Hooray! Maybe I will now speak with a living human! WRONG. "Hello! My name is Mark and I am here to help you. Please tell me how many lights are blinking on your modem." OH. MY. LORD. I hang up. I can't take this anymore!! Isn't the unemployment rate higher than it has been in about 15 years? I have a thought: Let's start hiring people to work in customer service departments. How about it? My stress level will go down exponentially, as will my phone bill.