The Bathroom Attendant

Is there anything more disheartening than walking into the bar bathroom only to be greeted by the last person you want to see -- the bathroom attendant? Worst of all is when you stroll into an empty bathroom and you are greeted by a nod and then pure silence. At this moment you try anything you can to avoid the awkwardness (as said bathroom attendant sits there and watches you pee). "How you doing?" you ask. "Not too bad," answers Mr. Attendant followed by more silence. Damnit! Can't I be done peeing yet!? What else can I ask this guy? "Busy night?" "Nah, it's pretty quiet tonight," he responds. It's at this moment you remember that in order to wash your hands it is going to cost you a dollar. At least he might have a stale piece of gum or a cigarette for your worries. You go to wash your hands as Mr. Bathroom Attendant rolls off a couple of pieces of paper towel. You dry your hands, throw a buck or 2 in his basket, then do WHATEVER you can the rest of the night to avoid having to pee again. Your friends ask you why you have stopped drinking and you try to explain why you are doing whatever you can to de-hydrate yourself and avoid a repeat trip to the bathroom.

I can not stand when a bar has a bathroom attendent. I have a friend who will remain nameless who mentioned that he just doesn't wash his hands when there is an attendent. I have another friend who will also remain nameless who tells me the key is to pretend that the bathroom attendant does not exist. Do your business, wash your hands, then ignore his paper towels and get your own. I'm not going to not wash my hands and I'm too nice to just flat out ignore the guy, so I'm completely lost to what I can do.

Now I do feel badly that the bathroom attendant is performing this duty to get a paycheck and feed his family - so most of my angst is not against him. I am much more upset at the bar who has hired someone to fill this position. You are the one who has put me in this awkward situation where I actually feel guilty about going to the bathroom and then washing my hands. Why are you doing this to me!? I am patronizing your bar -- well -- I was tonight, but you can forget about me ever coming back to this place. It's almost like when a homeless person starts washing your car windshield without you asking and you have to pay them just to go away -- in fact, it's EXACTLY like that. I think for now on when I go to a bar I am going to ask for a $1 tip when I pass them an empty glass. It's only fair. I'll even throw in a piece of stale gum.

Sarah Palin

Do I even have to elaborate on this one?

I liked Sarah Parlin until McCain idiotically chose her (or his people at least) as his running mate. The reason I liked her is because I had never heard of her. When I first read the description of her background I thought I was reading an Onion article... nope! This could have been our future vice-president. And since Senator McCain ran for president the ripe ol age of 73, it was not too unlikely that she could at some point over the next 4 years been in charge of our country!

Sarah Palin annoying? You Betcha! Let's reminisce over a few of the reasons why:

-She is pro-life and does not think a woman has a right to choose (everyone is entitled to their own views and that's not why I think she's annoying) -- but, when it hits close to home and her 17 year-old daughter Bristol gets knocked up by the local H.S. hockey star, she is thrilled that "Bristol has made the choice to have her baby." Oh!! now that it's YOU affected, you now have a choice?? Why do you emphasize the fact that Bristol "made this decision," and then push for policies that take away that choice??

-What is with the names of your kids? Track?? Trigg?? Bristol?? Piper??

-You are "so in tune with handicapped rights" and helping out the needy --- yet before you had a baby born with down-syndrome (which you need to REMIND everyone of constantly to take advantage of the situation), you cut funding drastically in your own state for Special Olympics AND several other programs which help the handicapped and needy. Give me a break!

-You actually think you have a chance to be the president one day. HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAA!!

-You are kind of like Brett Favre, you just WON'T go away


It is yet to be determined whether Sarah Palin stepping down as Alaska's governor will mean we will be seeing more or less of her. I sure hope it's less, but I have a feeling it's the opposite. She's just that annoying pest that just WON'T go away! Everytime I have placed her out of my mind she comes popping right back in.

Please Sarah - stay in Alaska with your husband Todd and weird-named kids. Please stop making Americans look bad. And please, please, PLEASE just take your 20 minutes, take a snow-mobile & get lost and stay away forever.

Bars with lines

There is only 1 bar in the city of Chicago (a certain bar that will remain unnamed to maintain my dignity) I am ever willing to wait in line for and that happens on the rarest of occasions (those of which I am in the mood to do some late night dancing on a make-shift stage in a dark-shady overpacked basement). I often question those people who are okay with waiting in lines whenever they go out. Also, if I am forced to pay a "cover charge" there better be some sort of entertainment such as live music, free drinks, or midget wrestling involved.

Why is it that on those occasions which I am convinced by a friend to wait in a line for some lame bar and upon our entry we discover it's mostly empty? This false "hype" seems to be the main culprit behind the bar line. This lame bar needs to make people think that it is SO cool that it needs a line (which are usually also comprised of 90% males). I also enjoy the bouncers/doormen that control the lines with their bluetooth in their ears who are probably being paid little more than a McDonalds fry cook, yet act like they own the world. Oh and thanks also for staring at my ID for 2 minutes in case it's fake... you think I'd actually wait in line for 30 minutes for this crappy bar with a fake ID!?

I was recently told by a non-American that Americans LOVE waiting in lines... and know what - he's completely right. For example - go to the airport security area. The line is probably extremely long, yet you could walk 50 feet down the hall to another security area with no line. Americans just look for the first line they can find and get in it. Maybe that's the main reason I continually drive by people waiting in lines for bars.

Even though Americans love lines - I think it's UN-american to wait in a line to get into a bar. It should be written in the constitution. In fact, I think we need to ammend the 10 commandments - "Thou shalt not wait in lines for bars."

Happy 4th of July.

Standing on Escalators

"An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, just an Escalator Temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Why are people so incredibly lazy that they lose all ability to walk up 'stairs' when on an escalator. I understand if someone is handicapped, elderly, injured, or obese -- but for the common folk, what gives? And fine -- you are extremely out of shape and haven't been to a gym in 10 years -- or you are carrying a 15 lb. briefcase -- or you are just so tired/hungover that any movement is painful-- You STILL should be able to at least walk DOWN an escalator.

Also, is there an unwritten rule that I don't know about that says if you are taking an escalator with a friend/co-worker you are not allowed to move and you must take up the entire width of the stairs? Apparently there is -- well at least if I am behind you and I am trying to get by. Maybe if as Americans we are so concerned with rampant obesity we should adopt a "Turn off the Escalator Day" or even better an entire Month. Force people to walk up stairs!

Basic escalator etiquette is the same as rules of the road -- slow drivers to the right and pass on the left. If you so choose that you are unable to walk up a moving stairway, that is your own personal choice - stop acting so shocked that you are a few lbs overweight. But please move to the right so those of us who can handle the 15 second uphill walk are able to do so. If someone in front of you is standing on the right and you also decide to stand, DO NOT stand on the left so no one is able to pass you. If you are talking with a friend it is OKAY to walk while you talk OR both of you can legally stand on the right. And don't give me a miffed look if you are standing in the way and accidentally get bumped as I try to twist by you.

Screw it - I'll just take the stairs.

Airport delays

OK. So. I know that everyone on earth - has dealt with - or - may be currently dealing with? - airport delays. It's annoying. Oh, wait. It's EXTREMELY annoying. Flight delays definitely rank up there with some of the most annoying things that I can think of. 

Case in point: Friday, 3pm. 

Have flight from New York to Chicago. The weather in New York? 72 and sunny. SUN. Lots of it.  I'm looking out the window, so I know. And Chicago? 70 and sunny. I check my flight around 1pm, just to make sure that when I hop into my taxi (with $40 dollars in hand ready to graciously hand over to the cabby - i love giving away money - don't you!!?) that I am not jumping the gun and getting to the airport too soon. Seriously. I want to arrive there with ample time to check in, fix my makeup, peruse the magazine stand, stock up on candy, hit the bar, and make it to the gate before takeoff. That's what I want. 

Website says that flight 690 is on-time. Fabulous! Continue to check flight status on the ride there. Still on time! Who's lucky... THIS GIRL!

I arrive at the airport, check in, then proceed to security. I still have about 35 minutes to make my flight, so we're good. Get in line. Take out laptop. Take off shoes. Take off belt. Take off coat. Earrings? Nah - I'll leave them on and hope for the best.

"I'm sorry miss - you have to remove your necklace as well." Necklace: off.

"Your watch." Watch: off.

"Is your cell phone in your jeans?" Cell phone: out of jeans.

"Where's your ticket, ma'am?" Ticket is in my coat. DAMN IT. Seriously? The stress is overwhelming. Find coat.

"Ok - please walk through now." GOOD - because, I'm almost out of things to wear. And, I'm going to miss my flight.

Arrive at gate. Sit down. Breathe. Thank G-d that I remembered to grab all of my belongings from the security belt. Think about how many minutes it is going to take for me to get from Laguardia to Chicago, based on previous flights. 2 hours, 25 minutes. Need to make my dinner reservation tonight. Look at watch. Exactly 28 minutes until flight is supposed to leave. What?? Aren't we supposed to board 30 minutes in advance? Their watches must be off. Sit. Breathe. Wait. Someone has an announcement.

"Passengers on flight 690, flying to Chicago O'Hare. Your flight is now delayed due to air traffic control. We will update you momentarily regarding your estimated departure." 

OH LORD. Why is this happening! I got here on time!! The weather is perfect!! I made it through security in under 20 minutes!! I already told my mother I was leaving!! (she's EXTREMELY  anxious and tracks the entire flight online - she even knows when we receive our complimentary beverages and when the jetway is secure so that we can exit the aircraft). Fifteen minutes later...

"Passengers on flight 690, flying to Chicago's O'Hare airport. Your expected departure time is now 4:30pm." Great. It's a good thing that the weather is perfect in New York. And, Chicago. And, I am here on time. I sit. I read. I wait. I cry. Wait - I don't cry. I want to cry.

Is it just me? Am I bad luck? I feel as though I experience airport delays much more often than the average jet-setter. And yet, the only 2 cities I seem to travel to/from are New York and Chicago. 

Finally, FINALLY, our "aircraft" has arrived. "Passengers on flight 690.." "YES?! We're STILL HERE waiting... although, by the looks on some of these people's faces, we're about ready to jump ship and WALK to Chicago..." "Passengers, your aircraft has arrived in New York. Once we have cleaned the aircraft and refueled, we will begin the boarding process."

We board the plane, 2 hours late. The man in front of me has decided that, although we are not supposed to put our seats back before take-off, he is going to recline all the way into my lap. This is fun. The person to my right smells. Bad. Yet, I find solace in the fact that I am going to be taking off soon and will be landing in Chicago in about 2 hours.

"Ladies and gentlemen - this is your captain speaking. The weather in New York is 72 degrees, with winds out of the west. We are hoping for a smooth ride all the way to Chicago. Your flight attendants are, Susan, Gregory and Wanda. Please fasten your seatbelts. We will be taxi-ing out to the runway momentarily. And please turn off all electronic devices until we have reached 35 thousand feet." Yay!! We're leaving!!

"We are now on the runway. Unfortunately, air traffic control has put us on a holding pattern, due to the weather in Chicago. Please sit tight - we'll be getting an update in about 35 minutes."

The weather in Chicago? 70 and sunny. 

The Last 2 Minutes of a NBA Game

With the NBA finals finally wrapping up, I wanted to address something before it was long forgotten until next season. The last 2 minutes of a basketball game. When has the last 2 minutes of a basketball game actually taken 2 minutes?! Or better yet -- when did the last 2 minutes of a basketball take under 5 minutes? or 10 minutes? or 20 minutes?? or an hour?? Okay, you get the point.

For something like basketball which gives us a lot of non-stop back/forth action, it's disappointing that the end of close games have to be so painstakingly slow. Most of the time this is the scenario with under 2 minutes left: Team A makes a basket. Team B takes a quick shot and misses, then fouls Team A. Then we have a time-out. Then we have 2 free throws. Then we have ANOTHER time-out. Then we have another foul. Then we have another time-out... This is all in a time period of about 10 seconds of actual game time. Worst of all, the TV networks always cut away to commercials -- so each stoppage in play is at least 2 minutes long with the EXACT same commercials playing over and over... I'm incredibly sick of 'This is OUUUURRRRR country' (that means you John Mellencamp) and learning about 'The Most Interesting Man in the World." The VERY worst is the recent stretch on ESPN where we are constantly reminded by Heineken to let a stranger drive you home --- yooooouuuuuu! Gottttt what i neeeeeedddd! When you say you're just a friend!!" I enjoy Biz Markie singing that song -- not a bunch of bad actors pretending to be drunk in the back of a fake cab.

I love playing basketball and most of the time I love watching basketball, but making it through the last couple minutes of a close game is like pulling teeth. I remember growing up my Mom would be yelling at me to do something and my response would be, "as soon as the game is done!". "How much time is left", she'd ask and I'd let her know that there was 2 minutes left. 30 minutes later she'd come back into the room and see me still laying on the couch -- "What are you doing?! You said you'd clean your room after the game was over, it's been 30 minutes!" I'd simply point at the TV so she could see there was still 30 seconds left in the game.

I wish there was something the league could do in order to speed up the last couple of minutes as this problem has really caused me to become less of a fan. I've tried to DVR the game and start watching it later so I can fast-foward through commercials and free throw attempts, but it just doesn't cut it. I guess sitting through commercials for an extra 30 minutes on my couch isn't as annoying as paying $100+ for a crappy upper-deck seat to a NBA game, but that's a whole different topic...

Losing Your Wallet

A few weeks ago upon arriving home after my weekly Tuesday night softball game, I had a sudden jolt of fear when I realized I did not have my wallet. After completely scouring my car for several minutes I then decided to make the trek back to the field to see if I could get lucky. Unfortunately, a Cubs game had just ended, so a normal 10 minute voyage took almost 30 and it was not to be a lucky night.. my wallet was nowhere to be found. I held out slim hope that someone might turn it in, but deep down I already knew it was gone forever. Anyone who has ever lost their wallet knows what a pain it is to get everything replaced. As noted earlier in this blog, several annoying automated service phone calls were definitely in my future.

One thing I had going for me is I keep the anti-Costanza wallet. In other words, I kept it to the bare essentials as far as contents. Even with the bare minimum, though, I now had to replace a company credit card, personal credit card, debit card, insurance card, CTA card, and driver's license. Who knew that the EASIEST card to replace would be my insurance card? I thought for sure that would be the largest headache, but I had a new insurance card on the way after a quick 45 second phone call. As far as everything else -- no such luck.

I had the joy of being told my debit card would take 10-14 days to arrive, but I had the option to "expedite" the process for a mere $40. It would then only take up to 7 days!! Wow!!! That was a really tough decision. Oh yeah, I was also told my pin would arrive another 5 days after the card arrived, so it basically was going to be worthless anyways.

After a good 4 hours on the phone and the usual painful trip to the DMV, I was finally confident that all replacement cards were on the way. The insurance card arrived in a couple of days, the credit cards and debit card in about a week (even without the expedited add-on!), but the ONLY card that was being ordered locally in the city of Chicago - my CTA transportation card -- was nowhere to be found. How the heck does it take 3 weeks to send a replacement card? Anyone who uses the CTA on a regular basis obviously knows the answer. My guess is that they were "waiting for signals ahead."

My life is now back in working order with the return of everything in my wallet. It's definitely in the top 3 for things you never want to lose along with cell phone and keys. It is sad it has taken me several lost phones to perform the "wallet, phone, keys" self-check everytime I leave home and enter/leave a cab. Losing your wallet is one of the most dis-heartening, annoying things a person can go through. As Mitch Hedburg put it "it's hard to dance when you've lost your wallet."