The Bathroom Attendant

Is there anything more disheartening than walking into the bar bathroom only to be greeted by the last person you want to see -- the bathroom attendant? Worst of all is when you stroll into an empty bathroom and you are greeted by a nod and then pure silence. At this moment you try anything you can to avoid the awkwardness (as said bathroom attendant sits there and watches you pee). "How you doing?" you ask. "Not too bad," answers Mr. Attendant followed by more silence. Damnit! Can't I be done peeing yet!? What else can I ask this guy? "Busy night?" "Nah, it's pretty quiet tonight," he responds. It's at this moment you remember that in order to wash your hands it is going to cost you a dollar. At least he might have a stale piece of gum or a cigarette for your worries. You go to wash your hands as Mr. Bathroom Attendant rolls off a couple of pieces of paper towel. You dry your hands, throw a buck or 2 in his basket, then do WHATEVER you can the rest of the night to avoid having to pee again. Your friends ask you why you have stopped drinking and you try to explain why you are doing whatever you can to de-hydrate yourself and avoid a repeat trip to the bathroom.

I can not stand when a bar has a bathroom attendent. I have a friend who will remain nameless who mentioned that he just doesn't wash his hands when there is an attendent. I have another friend who will also remain nameless who tells me the key is to pretend that the bathroom attendant does not exist. Do your business, wash your hands, then ignore his paper towels and get your own. I'm not going to not wash my hands and I'm too nice to just flat out ignore the guy, so I'm completely lost to what I can do.

Now I do feel badly that the bathroom attendant is performing this duty to get a paycheck and feed his family - so most of my angst is not against him. I am much more upset at the bar who has hired someone to fill this position. You are the one who has put me in this awkward situation where I actually feel guilty about going to the bathroom and then washing my hands. Why are you doing this to me!? I am patronizing your bar -- well -- I was tonight, but you can forget about me ever coming back to this place. It's almost like when a homeless person starts washing your car windshield without you asking and you have to pay them just to go away -- in fact, it's EXACTLY like that. I think for now on when I go to a bar I am going to ask for a $1 tip when I pass them an empty glass. It's only fair. I'll even throw in a piece of stale gum.

Sarah Palin

Do I even have to elaborate on this one?

I liked Sarah Parlin until McCain idiotically chose her (or his people at least) as his running mate. The reason I liked her is because I had never heard of her. When I first read the description of her background I thought I was reading an Onion article... nope! This could have been our future vice-president. And since Senator McCain ran for president the ripe ol age of 73, it was not too unlikely that she could at some point over the next 4 years been in charge of our country!

Sarah Palin annoying? You Betcha! Let's reminisce over a few of the reasons why:

-She is pro-life and does not think a woman has a right to choose (everyone is entitled to their own views and that's not why I think she's annoying) -- but, when it hits close to home and her 17 year-old daughter Bristol gets knocked up by the local H.S. hockey star, she is thrilled that "Bristol has made the choice to have her baby." Oh!! now that it's YOU affected, you now have a choice?? Why do you emphasize the fact that Bristol "made this decision," and then push for policies that take away that choice??

-What is with the names of your kids? Track?? Trigg?? Bristol?? Piper??

-You are "so in tune with handicapped rights" and helping out the needy --- yet before you had a baby born with down-syndrome (which you need to REMIND everyone of constantly to take advantage of the situation), you cut funding drastically in your own state for Special Olympics AND several other programs which help the handicapped and needy. Give me a break!

-You actually think you have a chance to be the president one day. HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAA!!

-You are kind of like Brett Favre, you just WON'T go away


It is yet to be determined whether Sarah Palin stepping down as Alaska's governor will mean we will be seeing more or less of her. I sure hope it's less, but I have a feeling it's the opposite. She's just that annoying pest that just WON'T go away! Everytime I have placed her out of my mind she comes popping right back in.

Please Sarah - stay in Alaska with your husband Todd and weird-named kids. Please stop making Americans look bad. And please, please, PLEASE just take your 20 minutes, take a snow-mobile & get lost and stay away forever.

Bars with lines

There is only 1 bar in the city of Chicago (a certain bar that will remain unnamed to maintain my dignity) I am ever willing to wait in line for and that happens on the rarest of occasions (those of which I am in the mood to do some late night dancing on a make-shift stage in a dark-shady overpacked basement). I often question those people who are okay with waiting in lines whenever they go out. Also, if I am forced to pay a "cover charge" there better be some sort of entertainment such as live music, free drinks, or midget wrestling involved.

Why is it that on those occasions which I am convinced by a friend to wait in a line for some lame bar and upon our entry we discover it's mostly empty? This false "hype" seems to be the main culprit behind the bar line. This lame bar needs to make people think that it is SO cool that it needs a line (which are usually also comprised of 90% males). I also enjoy the bouncers/doormen that control the lines with their bluetooth in their ears who are probably being paid little more than a McDonalds fry cook, yet act like they own the world. Oh and thanks also for staring at my ID for 2 minutes in case it's fake... you think I'd actually wait in line for 30 minutes for this crappy bar with a fake ID!?

I was recently told by a non-American that Americans LOVE waiting in lines... and know what - he's completely right. For example - go to the airport security area. The line is probably extremely long, yet you could walk 50 feet down the hall to another security area with no line. Americans just look for the first line they can find and get in it. Maybe that's the main reason I continually drive by people waiting in lines for bars.

Even though Americans love lines - I think it's UN-american to wait in a line to get into a bar. It should be written in the constitution. In fact, I think we need to ammend the 10 commandments - "Thou shalt not wait in lines for bars."

Happy 4th of July.